Oh my goodness…so this is a combination of having somehow missed my last two therapy sessions, having all the busy party stuff over and then finding out I am not pregnant all swirling together. I am a mess. I have no interested in combing my hair. I dress the girls because I want my feet to be moving…anywhere. But, my head (inside I guess as well as outside) is in need of a lobotomy. I think I am sinking into a depression and I am calling out to my God to give me strength and wisdom. God help me!!! Today the girls and i get to spend the day together, which is so awesome. I want to do activities with them, Elle already got to do some ABCmouse on my laptop while i was making lunch. Both these girls are so bright! The baby is walking while holding on to stuff and dj-ing on her mobile…lol. Caught her doing that last night she was so cute. Trying to move her into Elle’s room so she isn’t alone anymore…but I just have this need to fix and I can’t and I don’t know what to do. It makes me feel useless and incompetent and such a failure…I completely failed Otto as a mother. So many other momma’s get to keep theirs why not me? What did I do? Then I answer my question, because I know what I did. I left him alone in the tub, I didn’t realize that he would have a seizure, I should have known better. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER!!!!!!!!! I am so full of shame and regret and pain now. I know it won’t always be this way and I am trying to figure out how to make it better now. I thought for a minute that maybe having several babies at once would make our family whole again. I realized though, the other day while looking at my amazing little baby that she is the way she is because I have the time to devote exclusively to her that I hadn’t with the twins, simply by the fact there were two of them. So now my heart screams, adopt a little boy!! I think that will help us and the little boy we choose to love. Love isn’t about blood, otherwise the whole marriage thing would be weird, right? It’s about choice and whoever we choose to have included in our lives. I, of course, want to move into a different place and am not sure what it’s supposed to look like…I want elle to have a boy to play with and vice versa, this much I know. I want to have another baby, this much I know. I want to protect and love and teach and cherish my family, this much I know. Other than that and God, I have no idea. My devotion rings hollow because I know I am just swirling like a tornado above it and not letting it reach my soul. My husband told me last night this is to heavy a load for me to bear and I need to put it down. I told him I can’t yet. I just can’t. I again feel like if I just do this right maybe God will take away the punishment we have been forced to endure because of my egregious sense of what? Complacency? Is that what I did? Believing that my children would be ok, always? I should be flogged. Yes this is dark, and I know that Jesus did this for me, but right now I would like to do it for Otto.