This weekend is a celebration of love and life and will all be aligned with keeping our memories of Otto. I don’t know how I feel. That’s probably a bad thing if you ask my therapist. The pain doesn’t lessen, i just have more callouses over it. The surrealism around the missing link doesn’t change either. I bath both of our daughters in the kitchen sink. It keeps me a little less anxious and I don’t think I feel comfortable with twice a week bathing anymore (too hot outside)…it was my least favorite activity even with the fun we would have. Elle still loves bath time, Alyse gets the little side of the sink and loves it too. I thought yesterday about her not remembering her brother and I thought how badly I want to make more brothers for her to be able to play with. Elle is worried about us not having enough beds for all of the siblings I want her to have, I keep trying to convince her we can always buy more. She says we will have to get a bigger house. I say we probably will someday. 🙂 So, the party…keeping me busy, as I like it to. Fire truck, ice cream truck, water games, bubbles, food. My kind of party. I hope daddy will be distracted and feel our love around him. He didn’t do very well on mothers day, but perspective can be an ornery little devil sometimes. I think it’s so odd how I have one less child, but am still just as busy…I don’t do enough, I do too much…where is the balance in all of this? Aren’t we all so foolish to think we can eventually find it. It’s always going to be a efforted challenge, running from one end of the seesaw to the other. Sigh. Obviously, these are just the ramblings of a woman who has made a career out of distraction. God loves to hear laughter…that was my devotional this morning. God, please bring my laughter as near as my tears, help me to find them in the same place. Help me to talk to my little boy, to guide me through this storm with your wisdom in my movements, my words and my thoughts. My husband and I are strongly bonded, and this will not break us, but help the little offshoots of change to not become the burdens that harm. Thank you for Jesus for every day. Every day I have with my friends, my family, my daughters, my husband, and the ones I was blessed to enjoy with my son..and will with my future ones as you see able.