Rollercoaster

As I try to spend my days devoted to loving honestly and deeply, I can see myself going up and down in an emotional rollercoaster.  I think about the things I am doing wrong, and maybe those sometimes I am doing right…I am questioning my parenting skills and worrying.  It’s obvious I haven’t spent enough time on my knees and I am so afraid and terrorized by this being my life forever.  Today I started teaching the baby Otto’s name.  I want her to say it but it feels like a knife in my chest as I say his name over and over.  I was lowering Alyse’s crib mattress yesterday, adjusting to her crawling (started last week) and working on all the “safety week” items, you know, gates, guards, covers etc.  We couldn’t find an allen wrench (we being me and the baby as I tote her around on my hip), and I thought I might find one in the top of Otto’s closet.  It was the hardest thing I have done in weeks and I didn’t even get anything done.  I was digging around as fast as I could and I had the baby with me for protection, but it wasn’t able to stop the onslaught of pain.  My head started creating a tsunami around my heart and my breath started catching.  I couldn’t stop it, thankful Elle was down watching Cinderella.  I was on my knees clutching my chest and sobbing so hard I was afraid I was going to bust apart. As soon as I could stand I grabbed the baby and ran out of there as fast as I could.  What a terrible terrible world we live in that our son is gone from us forever.  I sometimes pray God would come so this nightmare would end, what a blessed relief it would be. But, that’s not the case and I just need to be ok for today. Find life and love and happiness in my babies that I have been able to keep alive and my husband and my God.  As my baby shrieks upstairs and I must go for now.

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