I haven’t been on here to post in almost a month. A dear friend pointed out it was 4/20. That was two months to the day since Otto passed. We’ve gone to London and back, had company in town & all of our fun and busy activities are winding down. The other night as I was falling asleep I was grasping for memories of my big boy and I text myself them so I wouldn’t forget to post them for my future need. HYG: beautiful & angelic blonde curly tousled hair, beautiful smiling eyes always on the edge of silly, giddy smile, larger than life high pitched squeal, perfect smiling teeth & sweet soft hand always eager to hold mine. Kicking his feet in his chair and laughing. Such a sweet kind hearted little man. Would give his sister anything she wanted. I miss everything about him. He was my soft sweet boy, always closer to having his feelings hurt and Elle was always the “tough” one…so she said. It sears my insides to write these things. Honestly, I don’t want to, but I am afraid of not getting them down on paper, I need to remember him. I also spend every day trying not to think of him. I want to be happy and enjoy life and my loved ones. I continually tell myself that I am not dishonoring his memory, I will have a lifetime of this little box of anguish always waiting for me. There are some mornings I wake up and still think was that just an awful dream? Maybe having a son was just a wonderful dream that ended in a nightmare. Those thoughts are quelled almost as soon as I can feel them start to overshadow my soul. So there is that for now. Today I have to move storage units for the lighting company, fix a ceiling fan & a toilet lid, and plan Otto’s Memorial party. God watch over our family and our loved ones, thank you for always committing to take care of your children. Amen.
