The legend of the dogwood tree, author unknown, is as follows:
In Jesus’ time, the dogwood grew
To a stately size and a lovely hue.
‘Twas strong and firm, its branches interwoven.
For the cross of Christ its timbers were chosen.
Seeing the distress at this use of their wood
Christ made a promise which still holds good:
“Never again shall the dogwood grow
Large enough to be used so.
Slender and twisted, it shall be
With blossoms like the cross for all to see.
As blood stains the petals marked in brown,
The blossom’s center wears a thorny crown.
All who see it will remember Me
Crucified on a cross from the dogwood tree.
Cherished and protected, this tree shall be
A reminder to all of My agony.”
It’s unlikely there were actually dogwood’s in Jerusalem at the time that Jesus died, but the faith and depth of the story holds true. And, tonight we honored our Otto by planting the most perfect beautiful dogwood tree at his preschool. It was bittersweet and moving. Daddy and I cried as we used our shovels to move the dirt on the hill overlooking the playground he ran a ruckus on. The wind chimes of this beautiful and childlike space gently reminding me of his funeral and the music i had so fervently chosen. My need had been to hear the joyous wind chimes, and remind me of our healthy and beloved son playing at his wonderful school. It’s all so bittersweet…the memory of walking into that chapel with all of those people, walking the same aisle I had walked down to marry my husband just over five years prior. It was so very confusing for me. That it had been just the same place and so much joy and hope were in our spirits. But, this time we weren’t creating our lives, we were losing part of it and us, forever. Eh, I digress. This wonderful place and its people wanted to honor our Otto and love him and us in this moment. They had raised the money and the children had taken a vote on the type of tree. They chose dogwood for its strength as it gets only twenty feet tall but also twenty feet wide. For it’s white beautiful flower and the purity of them that surprise every spring and will remind the children of Otto. And, especially that it will be a healing place for Elle, a place to be with his memory his spirit and her love for him. My research also mentioned that this tree symbolizes protection and love, I like that and decided that is true for me. It was very hard though, tonight that is. I couldn’t help but think of the last time I had been near dirt. I saw the roses on his casket as I stood there in front of this beautiful tree, I went numb and am there still. But, that is ok. There is so much to do and we have been so blessed by this community of amazing amicis.
I keep busy, I’ve kept busy all week. My therapist said yesterday when I mentioned I felt guilty about not living in it, that it’s completely ok. It isn’t going to disappear, it will be there when I turn a corner, and that we really just aren’t capable of handling it all at once. It will come when it needs to. Taxes, children, husband, trip prep, etc. I notice I have been overly touchy about being involved in my brood. J doesn’t totally understand, and I get it, but all I really want to do it be with my littles. Interact with them, bring them joy, handle their problems. I need it like I need air. Changing a diaper hasn’t ever been fun, but now I look forward to it. Maybe it’s my self-punishing personality, but I want to do and be everything for them. The work stuff just makes me irate. It all seems so stupid in relation to being in the moment with E & A. I want to make their lives so full of, I don’t know…everything.