I haven’t written my thoughts and feelings in days. It certainly isn’t that I haven’t had any…its so much more that Easter was hard. Of course it was and I knew it would be, everyone knew it would be. I was a total stuffer. I stuffed all of those really hard feelings down all weekend and that caused a melty mess all Monday & Tuesday because of it. “don’t keep it in the box all the time”..what about even SOME of the time?? Geez…it’s like getting whiplash days after a car accident. My poor husband…he can’t do anything right and I know its not really his fault. He’s had surgery and really did need my help, but I was moving like a locomotive this weekend and he was collateral damage. Ouch! Sorry babe. I do promise to do better and no I am not “healthy”. But, I am breathing. Let’s just all keep breathing and we will survive this. I realized this afternoon after the 10th or 12th time of getting the baby in and out of her car seat that have been spending ALOT of my time trying to make sure I give the love and attention that I used to get to pour onto my sweet boy to his sisters. I do have work to do (you know the value add stuff), but all I want to do is shower my girls with attention and spend a little of my time on healing. That looks like playdates, gymnastics, acting class (for my 3 year old! LOL), visiting with the women who are choosing to share their time, love and energy on me (God bless them!!!!), reading my devotional, getting as close to my heavenly father as I possibly can, talking about whatever it is that I need to say and getting Elle to school and back. Those are my things. But, though i have so much more to say tonight I need to do some of the things my husband needs me to. Quickbooks, taxes, collecting for my business. Hopefully I will have more time tomorrow as this is for me…a really good value add to my life.
I am total “stuffer” myself, HAD to be just to make it through so many years of too much to do and not enough me to do it all. Now that I “only” have four at home I’ve had plenty of time for all of that “stuffed stuff” to start coming out, YIKES!!! The last 2 years have been the hardest. I only say this to let you know that you are not alone! Just keep breathing, just keep taking one step at a time, just keep loving your sweet husband and children as best you can…but most of all, just breathe in God’s love for you! God loves you whether you “stuff” or snap at your husband or can’t do what you want for your girls. You are loved, so don’t beat up on yourself, you are doing the best you can, love yourself for it. HUGS!!!
I second Cherie’s emotions. We are only 51 days out. I mourned deeply for our Otto & almost cut off all my hair. (God knows my emotions). I’m not a good stuffer. I cry when I’m sad, I talk when I want to be heard even if no one hears me. I pray when I’m hurting. I Like you have to find meaning in this loss. I love Otto so much & I’m happy that he is with Jesus. As your wise husband said “when you want to hug Otto, we need to hug one another.” I’m holding on to that advice!