Palm Sunday

We are having a tumultuous day…J having had his surgery is feeling a little peckish I can tell.  We have had a wonderful visit with our cousins, but my hubby being an invalid for the time, was left behind for most of it.  I didn’t mean to, but I believe I may have hurt his feelings in all of the hullabaloo and we are both so sensitive and fragile it really doesn’t take much.  He absolutely deserves all of my grace just as he has given to me. So I turn the car around and go to him and just be with him.  To let him know that no matter what I am next to his side with whatever comes our way, just as he has done for me.  So…Palm Sunday…there are several families at our church who have lost little boys to drowning, I hadn’t mentioned this previously, but this has helped us.  In their knowledge, experience and just the realization that we aren’t the only ones and these are all good people. People who are still couples, which also gives me peace.  One mother was in the garden this morning, with a legacy memorial to their sweet son, crying. I hadn’t seen her, but my husband spoke about it when I picked him up from the curb.  I started crying…it grieves me very much that her pain is still so palatable.  She told J he would be graduating from high school now …he hugged her and cried with her in their deep and terrible sorrow.  I read the other day that the members of this horrific club will always hold joy in one hand and sadness in the other…how terrible.  The realization that we will never “get over” this steals my moments of joy sometimes. I cried through the service, knowing as I hid in a corner of the room that I looked frightful, but our pastor kept mentioning asphyxiation and fluid filling the organs.  It spasms my entire body as I can’t help but know those words from my personal loss and think that our savior died a death not very dissimilar to that of my son, albeit less peacefully.  My vision of everything has been changed, I pray some of it will be of value as I move through this life.  My daughter was in service with me and asked questions about Jesus dying and then as I was crying in the car she also cried with me and told me how sad she was and how much she missed Otto.  Oh I miss him too, so very very much until infinity and beyond I want him near me and with us and it breaks me into little shattered pieces knowing that I don’t get to grow with him. I love you my amazing little boy with every fiber, breathe and tear of my entire life.