This morning my mother woke me up with “I am sorry I didn’t say the right things that you needed me to say the other day” with the most genuine spirit and love flowing from her shadowy figure in my dark room. I immediately replied “mom its alright, I know I get what I need when I need it”. Two days ago I was hurting and had mentioned to her “I feel like I took for granted that my children and my life would always be alright”. She replied that she felt the same way, I thought what I wanted to hear was that of course I hadn’t. But, as I am learning, the answers we think we need aren’t always the answers our Jesus has for us. This morning my beautiful family Maggie, Vince and Michelle are in town to check out a nearby college and I am so blessed to have them near. I have a peace inside myself, but I know that today I will need to go near the edge of that cliff and look over. I know every few days I need to rest inside the pain and disbelief and overwhelming loss. And its so my least favorite activity, but one I can’t neglect. I have done things to try and keep myself close to these feelings: I listen to the audio version of the funeral when i drive alone in my car, I go into his room and “clean” though there is nothing to clean up…he doesn’t make much mess nowadays. I really miss the mess. Sometimes other little boys come over and destroy the playroom and it doesn’t bother me as much as it used to, I really like the little boys and their messes. I feel like I have been overtalking the little boy Jason who we might be taking into our family and every moment of silence I trade between asking Jesus to guide me and wanting to touch the heart of my Otto. I want to do this right, I want guidance in every step I take for my husband, my daughters, and the little boy who may enter our lives and change it forever. Of course, just as yesterday my devotion was along side my journey..”to increase your intimacy with me the two traits you need the most are receptivity and attentiveness” Oh Jesus…how you keep coming! I pray today I spend my day walking with you…searching for you in all of my moments.