Today is an overcast day, and i feel it deep in my heart. As i hold my 6m old Alyse on my lap and type I have a hollow ache inside my entire body. I have been keeping my type A fix-it all personality busy from morning to night with tasks and people. It has given me joy and kept me from the inside feelings that i really want to avoid at all costs. The other day i asked my husband how he is doing and he always responds the same “ok”. I don’t mean to challenge his meaning of grief, but I worry so much about keeping our family together that I dig into it a little with him. “why are you just ok?” “don’t you have some moments of being good or even great?” I have found joy in laughter and baby play and my sweet 3 yr old daughter. Even as i type this i accidentally typed 4 yrs and then had a deep pang inside because I will never have my twins at 4 and it doesn’t make any sense. None of it makes any sense. I usually do everything in my power to ignore those pangs. I am so afraid of them. I think “why did i lose my son?” “how is this even real or a possibility” and I am really racking myself with “what did I do wrong & how could I have been so negligent?” Though, I don’t voice those words to anyone…because I feel I could argue them into asking me the same questions and how would that help? I stay as far away from the cliff as possible because i know i would throw myself off it in self-punishment if i could. I did receive a beautifully written card today that Jesus must have known I needed because it talked about just those things. Momma’s taking care of all of their house stuff while the “big” kids take their bath and play. I took it for granted that they would be ok and then the day came when they weren’t. I would give my life for my Otto, but I left him and now i never get to see him again. How terrible this is, words have no meaning when it comes to how deep the pain is or how it has the potential to destroy our hearts and minds. I think constantly that I must protect them, the heart and mind of my husband, my daughters, myself. Because I won’t allow myself to fall short. Not anymore at least is what it feels like and that thought feels hollow and cheap, but it does follow me until i take the time to give it to God. The Lord is my strength and my salvation, I shall not want.
Hi Roxxy, My heart breaks for you and yet I pray that God continue to keep you in His love and grace.There are so many things in life that Jesus has already walked before us in so I think somehow, someway he shines His light on the broken hearts. I know He is always with us. I like what He tells me in Joshua 1:5 “Just as I have been with Moses ,I will be with you.; I will not fail you or forsake you.”. So even in the grieving He is there and in the busyness He is there and even in the unspoken He knows.He gets the process of living life as a human. Thank – you also for your honesty with your feelings and emotions,as you go through the greif , it will be a source for courage.
Love you
Aunt Bernadette